I Am Feeling Useless

This is by no means going to be an easy post for me to write, as it will evolve around my emotional state at current.

If I had to sum up my existence in one word right now, it would be this: useless.

Many reading may be appalled by my word choice, but I simply cannot help the way in which I have been feeling these past few months.

I have two sisters, and both of them continue to achieve great progress in both their professional and personal lives. While I am elated for their successes, I cannot help but to be reminded of my own failures. It seems as though I am at a standstill that is not of my own-doing. I never planned to be 22, broke, on hiatus from school, uninvolved in any activities, and so distant from people my own age. When I was younger, I thought that by this age I would have a boyfriend, been graduated from college, have a job, many friends with whom I hung out with frequently, etc. I also foresaw myself having a great deal more independence, which I have very little of nowadays.

The reality is, I have been admitted to the hospital in the past few months more than many will ever be admitted within their lifetimes. I have undergone several procedures within the past few months (again, probably than most will undergo throughout their lifetime) and am still recovering from those along with the infections. From day to day, I don't know what my medical life with KTS holds, and I continue to battle with anxiety and depression. To help cope with my mental issues, I consistently see a counselor and doctor.

There is such a strong part of me that is ready to venture out into the world at full-force yet again, as I have been able to do on and off during my younger years (dependent upon my health). The reality is, though, is that I was just discharged from the hospital last Friday and have a lot of healing left to do from my last surgery and infection. In fact, as of right now, I am still having a very hard time sitting on my left butt-cheek (a part of my body that was most recently infected along with having been operated on).

Meanwhile, however, I watch with envious eyes as my friends and family constantly go to school, work, and enjoy hanging out with their friends on the weekend. It's rather upsetting, as I want to live the life in which I see my sisters living. I feel as though I am just withering away, as if I'm just watching the clock that's ticking away my time while anger cultivates within me. I'm ready to move on, but my body is holding me back from doing so.

I have isolated many, as I feel many of my friends cannot relate to what I am going through. While some have indeed been there for me consistently (shoutout to my llama lover Jenn), they are ultimately caught up in their own routines, and I cannot blame them for that.Nor can I expect them to understand the extent of what I am going through. Essentially, they are living life the way in which 22 year old people should. I just do not feel I can connect to a multitude of people on an emotional level right now.

Do any of you feel similar? With such an isolating condition (along with debilitating, depending upon how extreme one's KTS may be), I cannot imagine I am the only one who has been here. I'd like to know what you guys have done/are doing to cope in similar times. Please share your responses in the comment section.

Much love,

Arianna