Cracked Pavement

It was 5 AM, and I felt inspired to write based upon a picture I took the other day during a morning walk. Hope it makes some sense. ( :

We are the cracked pavement,

Glistening as the sun shines down on us from the vast sky of enigma

The pavement, all covered in grit and dirt, has suffered from some kind of anomaly that caused it to crevice

Whether that is temperature change, an external force too great to withstand the threshold I do not know

But, as I peer down at the broken pavement, I notice the various lines that connect to one another as though they were meant to cross each-others' path

The cracks are linked together for life, and whatever caused them to occur has now created a beautiful masterpiece; the cracks align together to form a rather profound design

We are the cracked pavement, we are the profound design

United by a common force that has brought us together in unison, we are connected through what some would consider flaws

Our imperfections, no matter how momentous in magnitude they may be, have brought us laughter, light, and love

We, the cracked pavement, were meant to unify and form a individualist piece of art throughout the globe

We are the cracked pavement, connected for eternity through some spontaneous unraveling 

-Ari

Carry On

Hospital flashbacks are nothing new to me; in fact, I have consistently had them since the tender age of 7 (I am now on the verge of turning 23). These horrific glances of the past are a part of my PSTD in which I have had for years now due to medical trauma I've endured since the beginning of my life. Sometimes, it's a mere smell that takes me back to that certain time in the emergency room. Other times, it may simply be a shirt's colored hue that reminds me of the one in which I was wearing when I had become ill yet again. Moving on from the past can be so incredibly hard, especially when what has happened in the past is likely to occur again within the future.

However, I think with chronic conditions like these it is important to shovel on through each day despite an impending sense of doom or you'll never experience the sweeter, more blissful side of life. There is indeed one, that much I continue to believe. With depression and PSTD, it is so much easier to remember the bad as it never seems to be far from one's stream of consciousness. However, you have to fight hard to remember the good. It doesn't really seem quite fair, does it? Why do the bad thoughts and flashbacks come so frequently without any merit, as opposed to the good ones that need to be dug up from the bottom of your brain to even be remembered at all? All I know is that pushing to remember the good times is worth it .

Right now, I sit in a chilly room with half a foot of snow outside my door. Today, we're supposed to get another foot of snow and I likely will not be leaving this room anytime soon. Today was also the date in which I had my appointment in regards to me possibly debulking my ankle with Dr. Fishman, Alomari and Spencer. Now that one doctor has had to understandably so cancel (Spencer, due to the storm), it would be rather pointless to attend as each play a vital role in this potential procedure. Without input from one, I am unable to move forward in making this decision. So, for now, I am back to waiting in regards to what my future holds in regards to the debulking surgery. In the meantime, I have not felt that well in spite of me taking oral antibiotics daily. Yesterday, I came home from my Nana's to find a new angry red spot on my leg, although it has lessened greatly in pigmentation today. However, I still feel so week and down-trodden from my last hospitalization. I know that despite the new calendar year, my anatomy is the same and I will experience frequent hospitalizations at some point in the future. Whenever I remember the numbing pain that accompanies me during infections or following a surgery, I cannot help but shudder due to fear.

 But you know what else I remember? I remember the turquoise colored water and sense of tranquility that fell upon me that day as I lay peacefully upon my raft in that Caribbean water. I remember feeling like one with the ocean, and feeling as though the world was my friend as the sun beamed down upon my 18-year-old sun-kissed skin. It was the ultimate feeling of bliss. Had I not pushed through all of the medical trauma and depression, I would have never gotten to experience that feeling of euphoria. I guess my point is this: push through the hard times in order to get to the good. I am sure that many medical obstacles are to come my way in 2014, but I am determined to fight through them in order to experience the gentler side of life. It's like the old saying: If you want the sunshine, you have to put up with the rain.

 Happy New Year everyone, and may this year provide you with the strength and courage you need in order to battle your own obstacles, whatever they may be. Believe in yourself, and never forget that you are indeed a warrior who is capable of more than you may even know.

 Lots of love, Arianna

This is not an image of mine. It is one I found of a website that resonated deeply within me. Hopefully, it will inspire you as it did me. Have a lovely day xoxo - Arianna

Food for Serious Consideration...

"*I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do*." -Edward Everett Hale

- A

"If there's a crisis, you don't freeze, you move forward. You get the rest of us to move forward because you've seen worse, you've survived worse. And you know we'll survive too. You say you're all dark and twisty, it's not a flaw, it's a strength. It makes you who you are."
-Derek Shepherd 

"I realize mistakes I have made, the things I really regret, were not errors of judgement but failures of feeling.”

XO - A

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."

"Always be yourself. Never try to hide who you are, the only shame is to have shame. Always stand up for what you believe in. Always question what other people tell you. Never regret the past. Its a waste of time. Theres a reason for everything. Every mistake. Every moment of weakness. Every terrible thing that has happened to you. grow from it. The only way you can ever get the respect from others is when we show them you respect yourself. And most importantly, do your think and never apologize for being YOU!"

Everyone has their highs and lows, and it can be hard to differentiate between what is normal and what is part of a complex condition (bipolar). I do know, however, that about a week ago, I fell into a deeply depressed state one night. Nothing had gone awry, nothing in particular had triggered it, but there it was, present deep within me; I couldn't shake it despite how hard I tried. During that time, I was talking to a dear friend of mine who was hospitalized and also recently diagnosed as being bipolar. It is really amazing to have her as a support system, and she has given me some really good advice. One of the things in which she told me was “Be honest about what you need from those around you, right now.” She inspired me to get out of bed and go tell my mom just how lousy I was feeling. And then we talked, and I cried, and so forth. Still, it was important to release that pent up negativity; did you know crying actually helps to release stress hormones from your body? 

Hours later, I still felt extremely sad but I did not feel alone. Even though I don't like to admit any perceived “weakness” of any kind to anyone, I know it is important to in situations like these. Letting go of your pride may be difficult, but it's absolutely worth it, especially if it  helps to stabilize you and not feel locked in by your own negative feelings.

But I really liked the advice she gave me because I think it can apply to all of us with medical conditions.

“Be honest about what you need from those around you, right now.”

I think this is important when it comes to not just family, but friends as well.

How else are they supposed to know what we are feeling and how to best accommodate us unless we let them in?

"A smile is a language everybody understands. It costs nothing but creates much. It happens fast but its memory may last forever. Keep smiling."

“I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do.” - Helen Keller

Jack Osbourne, "Adapt and Overcome"

Today in the media, I saw several entertainment headlines stating that Jack Osbourne has been diagnosed with multiple schlerosis, shortly after giving birth to a baby girl two months ago with his fiancee. In one article, he made a statement (in regards to his new diagnosis) that caught my eye:

“I got really sad for about two days, and after that I realized being angry and upset is not going to do anything at this point — if anything it’s only going to make it worse,” Osbourne told Hello! “Adapt and overcome’ is my new motto.”

I know very little about the Osbourne's family and Jack himself but I was so awe struck by his words that I cannot help but admire him in how he is coping with all of this devastating news. Sometimes it is so easy to fixate on those negative questions in your head that repeatedly tug at your mind – why me? Why now? Why this?- when it comes to medical issues. It can be so easy to dwell on the misfortune of having somehow acquired the problem in the first place that sometimes people forget to reach above and beyond it. The grieving process is certainly an essential part of coping with any illness, and it can come and go in waves, but it is severely problematic if one gets stuck in the grieving process permanently. Eventually, it is important to recognize the situation for what it is, to look at the reality and then decide how to proceed with your life in the most productive manner possible given the circumstances.

It's awesome that Jack is being so open with the emotional aspect of his diagnosis, hopefully his words reach others in similar situations and can inspire them to adopt his motto of “adapt and overcome.”

"The healthy and strong individual is the one who asks for help when he needs it. Whether he’s got an abscess on his knee or in his soul." - Rona Barrett


YES ( =
xoxo