Scattered Thoughs

Each day I wake up and wonder what my journey and purpose will be throughout this fleeting lifetime of mine. I was born different, but wasn't everybody in some capacity? Does my chronic illness being so rare mean that I was born especially different? I think one could argue yes, but it is vital to also acknowledge that we are all created unique within our own ways tailored by a higher power of some sort.

Still, having been born with such a rare illness, do I have some obligation to garner awareness for it? Do I want this to become a part of my ever-evolving self-identity? These are questions in which flow throughout my stream of consciousness on a daily basis.

Ever since I was little, I held on to minute matters and recollections more than the average person would have. Seeing as that last sentence is ever so vague, I will gladly expand on it. For example, I still cannot erase the image of the obese black homeless man I passed on the streets during that snowing, freezing Boston night. It was several years back, but I'm still bothered. He was bundled up in a jacket, and what little possessions he had lay beside him on the worn street. My heart was torn into a million little pieces at that moment. And, when I look back, it still is. That's was someone's son, someone's brother out there struggling to maintain even the slightest amount of warmth through his garment. I took a quick glance at his tired face, and saw the look of utter

defeat within his pain-stricken

eyes. People continuously try to rationalize his misfortune to me, saying that he was probably a druggie or drunk of some sort who couldn't hold down a job. It didn't matter to me, human suffering was human suffering and I felt so inconsolable that I couldn't change his circumstances at that point in time.

I have an array of heart-breaking memories just like that one dating back to my childhood. Just normal instances for some people in which they might not have thought twice about, but nonetheless sad memories within my eyes.

I think that haven been given such a large heart and rare illness, I was born to make a difference. As those of you who know me or my writings on here may already know, I am passionate about helping those with mental illness as I suffer from those as well.

This is a confusing time in my life. I still live at home with mom and dad but crave an independence that is not attainable to me at this point in time. I still don't know who I am, and am slowly learning who I want to be. I guess the one constant I have maintained within my desires is to make a difference, and so I will continue to embark upon that journey.

Wishing you much peace and love,

Arianna