Scathing Words

Let me tell you a story about an angry and confused 16-year-old girl who lashed out at those closest to her during a time of her life in which she experienced daily entropy.

“I hate you, you're such a failure!” Pretty scathing words, right? Now I am about to add insult to injury and tell you that those were words I spoke to my father; yes, my own father.

Many of you who are familiar with my story know the basics. For those who don't, I'll provide a short and simple recap. I was diagnosed with KTS at birth and had multiple surgeries growing up. I was not a severe case, but my KTS impacted me enough to have a vital impact on my childhood. Along with the surgeries, I would experience blood clots. Middle school, other than the occasional blood clot, was smooth sailing. Then came the week prior to high school when I got my first major cellulits infection (I hadn't had one since I was a baby). Just like that, my world was transformed and I was scuffled in and out of the hospital for recurrent infections. Also at that time, I developed chronic pain in my expanding lower left leg. Size wise, it was growing larger; it was a gradual change, but nonetheless a radical one in the span of a few years. I had all of these growths growing in places that were less than lovely to talk about; Dr. Fishman would refer to them as lymphatic vesicles  Aside from all this, I had a Dr. secretly talk to my parents about amputation, so we were all somewhat on edge. So, that is the situation in which I found myself at sixteen.

When I was home from the hospital (in-between infections), I found myself verbally lashing out at those closest to me. However, my dad was mostly the one who received my verbal wrath. Not to say that others didn't too, like my mom. In retrospect, it was mainly my parents I took my frustration out on. Sometimes, in the hospital, I could not leave my minuscule room for 5 or 6 days at a time because of MRSA testing. I felt trapped, and with that came anger and frustration.

When I was home, I was constantly trying to balance two lives: my medical one, and my high school one. The high school life in which I tried to maintain included Abercrombie and Hollister everything. I was spoiled, but as all of this was going on, money was tight. As many KT parents can probably relate, the amount of money spent on doctors and hospitalizations is outrageous. Most of the time, I got what I wanted, whether it was highlighted hair or $70.00 jeans. My parents were struggling financially, but doing their best to give their sick child what she desired. I was too naive at the time to see things for what they really were.

What were things, exactly? Well, I had a dad working 3 jobs and a mom working 2. One of my dad's jobs entailed him getting up at 2am as a manager for UPS. He went there solely because of the health insurance benefits for me. What I didn't know, up until a short while ago, is that my parents had spent their life savings on my medical bills. Up until I was about 11 or 12, my dad was on an insurance in which he had to pay 20% of all my medical bills. Insurance would only cover the other 80%. With all the surgeries and doctors appointments I had throughout the years, that money went fast.

So, I look back at all those times now in which I lashed out at my dad for not having enough money to give me exactly what I wanted and cannot help but think what a spoiled brat. And the truth is, in many ways I was! But, my anger and frustration was not truly at my dad, nor my mom. It was a matter of displacement of my emotions, and I didn't realize deep down that I was really upset about the medical issues going on around me. Sometimes, I still verbally lash out at my parents. I am so incredibly far from perfect, and my anger can get the best of me. Just the other day in the hospital I got incredibly angry at my mom because she wanted to get me food from the cafeteria and I did not want to eat despite not eating for a while. I literally felt anger spread throughout every crevice in my body.

I think what's truly important is to realize where my anger is stemming from, and years of talk therapy have helped me with that. I am still a work in progress but I have learned so much. Aside from cognitive techniques, I've learned just how much my parents sacrificed throughout the years to give me the life I have now. With that being said, today is my dad's birthday. My dad has done everything in his power to keep me alive and get me the best medical care possible. Aside from that, he's been a genuine friend to me (not to say we never fight, because we do have our disagreements). Still, he always tells me what's important is that “we agree on more than we disagree on.” I can't argue with that. And as annoyed as I get with my parents at times, they're not just my mom and dad, they're my friends and I appreciate them so.

Happy birthday Dad, and thanks for everything you have done for me throughout the years. I look forward to being able to give back to you in the future. - A