The Depression After the Storm

Many people who have just gotten to know me recently may find it rather challenging to grasp what I am about to tell you. Or, perhaps given your own experiences and expertise on the subjects of mental health and chronic illness, you won't. Anyway... Often a time, I come off as a rather vivacious and spirited individual who has a deep zest for life. At my best, I like to think this is indeed true and that my volition to live is what has gotten me through so many tumultuous medical episodes (aside from competent doctors and luck, of course). I fought, in essence, to keep fighting. There were ample times I wanted to give up, but I fought like hell to keep pushing forward.

The truth is, however, that I struggle a great deal with depression and anxiety, not unlike a lot of chronic illness patients. I have been rather open about this in past writings, and it is not something in which I am ashamed of in the slightest. I have clinical depression and OCD, and to me they are illnesses just as real as that of Klippel-Trenaunay Syndrome. They are fueled by a chemical imbalance, and that in itself is nothing to be ashamed of. Just because conditions of these kinds are concealed to the naked eye, does not make them any less earnest and/or real than pan-optical conditions or diseases. In the past year, I have spent so much time focusing on my Klippel-Trenaunay Syndrome that I have let my mental health (regrettably, but understandably) fall to the wayside. It was not my intention for this to happen, but life intervened and often I was not able to make it to weekly appointments as I was either in the hospital, had just arrived home from the hospital, or was recovering from a surgery. Other times, during my brief "off" periods from Klippel, I just wanted to rest and not talk about things that were disconcerting to me. The problem with not processing these feelings, however, is that they build up in a deeply residual manner until it becomes nearly impossible to cope in a healthful way.

So, I now find myself in a position where I have to take action or I will crumble into a million little pieces. I feel like I already have, at least on the inside. On the outside, however, I appear well put together and can always muster up a grimace. On the inside, I have been deeply struggling and know I am regressing mentally despite taking my antidepressant on a daily basis. It's time for me to acknowledge these feelings and address them directly, because it is just as important as treating my Klippel. So, today, I am going to call my therapist and ask to meet with her three times a week as one is certainly not enough. The thing about depression is that it doesn't want you to ask for help, it wants to isolate you and keep you feeling disconnected from everything and everybody.

While my depression and anxiety has never gone away since I first started dealing with it several years ago, it became more bearable through a great deal of talk therapy and medication. Right now, I am in the midst of a flare-up and it is rather frightening. However, I hope that by acknowledging my current state and addressing it, I am on the right track to being in a better place mentally.

Never be scared to ask for help. Never feel as though people will look down upon you if you do as that cannot be further from the truth. Never retreat as things can get better. As I sit here, I do not feel as though things will get better. That is my depression talking, and I have to know that despite how I feel, it is a FACT: things will get better. Facts are facts, and they override feelings in situations akin to these. They have to.

Sending you all so much love. - Arianna