Carry On

Hospital flashbacks are nothing new to me; in fact, I have consistently had them since the tender age of 7 (I am now on the verge of turning 23). These horrific glances of the past are a part of my PSTD in which I have had for years now due to medical trauma I've endured since the beginning of my life. Sometimes, it's a mere smell that takes me back to that certain time in the emergency room. Other times, it may simply be a shirt's colored hue that reminds me of the one in which I was wearing when I had become ill yet again. Moving on from the past can be so incredibly hard, especially when what has happened in the past is likely to occur again within the future.

However, I think with chronic conditions like these it is important to shovel on through each day despite an impending sense of doom or you'll never experience the sweeter, more blissful side of life. There is indeed one, that much I continue to believe. With depression and PSTD, it is so much easier to remember the bad as it never seems to be far from one's stream of consciousness. However, you have to fight hard to remember the good. It doesn't really seem quite fair, does it? Why do the bad thoughts and flashbacks come so frequently without any merit, as opposed to the good ones that need to be dug up from the bottom of your brain to even be remembered at all? All I know is that pushing to remember the good times is worth it .

Right now, I sit in a chilly room with half a foot of snow outside my door. Today, we're supposed to get another foot of snow and I likely will not be leaving this room anytime soon. Today was also the date in which I had my appointment in regards to me possibly debulking my ankle with Dr. Fishman, Alomari and Spencer. Now that one doctor has had to understandably so cancel (Spencer, due to the storm), it would be rather pointless to attend as each play a vital role in this potential procedure. Without input from one, I am unable to move forward in making this decision. So, for now, I am back to waiting in regards to what my future holds in regards to the debulking surgery. In the meantime, I have not felt that well in spite of me taking oral antibiotics daily. Yesterday, I came home from my Nana's to find a new angry red spot on my leg, although it has lessened greatly in pigmentation today. However, I still feel so week and down-trodden from my last hospitalization. I know that despite the new calendar year, my anatomy is the same and I will experience frequent hospitalizations at some point in the future. Whenever I remember the numbing pain that accompanies me during infections or following a surgery, I cannot help but shudder due to fear.

 But you know what else I remember? I remember the turquoise colored water and sense of tranquility that fell upon me that day as I lay peacefully upon my raft in that Caribbean water. I remember feeling like one with the ocean, and feeling as though the world was my friend as the sun beamed down upon my 18-year-old sun-kissed skin. It was the ultimate feeling of bliss. Had I not pushed through all of the medical trauma and depression, I would have never gotten to experience that feeling of euphoria. I guess my point is this: push through the hard times in order to get to the good. I am sure that many medical obstacles are to come my way in 2014, but I am determined to fight through them in order to experience the gentler side of life. It's like the old saying: If you want the sunshine, you have to put up with the rain.

 Happy New Year everyone, and may this year provide you with the strength and courage you need in order to battle your own obstacles, whatever they may be. Believe in yourself, and never forget that you are indeed a warrior who is capable of more than you may even know.

 Lots of love, Arianna