Heartache

My problem is that I want to inflict good upon others but cannot effectively do so until I am in a place of wholeness and wellness myself. The journey to getting there seems to be intolerable, and I feel as though I am held captive in a pit of circumstances that are of my own doing. Those words are, indeed, important: my own doing. Depression will try to tell you that.. Tell you that all of the bad things that have happened to you are a result of your own unworthiness, and that you deserved for them to have happened to you.

Truth is, I didn't choose to be born with a debilitating illness that has plagued not only me but my loved ones. But, inside, there is a voice that tries to tell me maybe I did.

After 16 days in the hospital, I was released. I am far from well, but I felt I could handle the thunder on my own. Or maybe I didn't, maybe I just hoped against all odds. These past hospitalizations have caused me to miss so many significant days, like my mom's 50^th birthday. Do you know what my mom did on her 50^th birthday? She cried, and it was over me. That day I woke up in the hospital and got extremely sick with the worst cellulitis infection I've had thus far. I know there was chaos, and lots of medical staff, but that's not what sticks out in my mind; no, all I remember amongst the blurred vision from tears is seeing my mom cry. It stabs me in the heart. I missed my parent's anniversary and father's day, too. I don't care about my own satisfaction I just want to help others who have been victimized by my condition be well, to live as though it didn't exist.

So, I went home after 16 days inpatient. Not 18, 19, 20, but 16. And, I would do it all over again for my sister. I went home because yesterday was her birthday (and my dogs!). She kept saying she didn't care if she had a party, but I knew she did; she just may not have realized it. I only made a small appearance at her birthday, but I know she was happy and did have some much needed fun. Me being in the hospital, after all, greatly impacts her life too and she has been exposed to harsh realities younger than some of her peers. Even though I am sitting here in so much pain and feel so feeble, I would come home again a thousand times over for her and her happiness.

I just want to help everyone be happy.