What I am about to write on here is
rather risque in content, but in order to begin to help readers understand why I
stopped taking the Sirolimus, I feel it's vital to share this
information... It is a passage derived from my own personal diary,
one in which I swore I would never share with anyone. It is not modified in the slightest, and was copied and pasted directly from my own personal document. At the time
this was written, I had been on the Sirolimus for a little over a
month and was off the anti-depressant that had been helping me so
greatly with my depression since I had started it (Viibryd). However, I was
forced to come off this particular anti-depressant because it
interacted with the Sirolimus, and reverted back to one that had
helped me minimally in the past (Prozac). We (my doctors, family, and
I) were quick to make the decision to wean me off the other
anti-depressant in order to start the Sirolimus pronto, as my Klippel was
undeniably out of control. At the time, it was my only hope of
achieving medical stability. However, after a couple of weeks of
taking the Sirolimus, I felt myself regressing back into a profound
state of depression. The medication in which I was weaned off of was
the only one that had given me a true respite from my depression in
quite some time. So, with that said, here is a passage from my own
personal diary, written during one of my all-time low points (while taking the Sirolimus and Prozac). Please
pardon the foul language, as this was not initially intended for
anyone to see. I am actually rather embarrassed to share it, but honesty genuinely is my policy on here.
Disclaimer: I am much more mentally
stable than when I wrote this particular passage, and I am safe. By
no means am I in danger of hurting myself. As I said prior, I am in a
different state of mind than when I penned this particular piece of
writing (or ramble, rather). If, however, you ever find yourself feeling anything like this, talk to someone immediately. Depression is manipulative and wants you to keep these feelings internalized...it does not want you to ask for help. If you ask for help, then the depression loses some of its power... In order to overcome it, though, it is of the utmost importance to seek help through a trusted family member, companion, or professional.
April 10thI don't really know what to type...I am depressed beyond belief. I just need someone to sit with me and listen to me blubber on for hours on end until I get all of the tears out. How did I become so incredibly f***** up? What happened to me? I finally am acknowledging my extreme and severe feelings of loneliness. It's not easy, f*** it's not. I feel lonelier than ever. THAN EVER. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF, I HATE MYSELF. THE HATE CONSUMES ME. I'M SO TIRED OF ALL OF F****** THIS. I AM QUICKLY BUT SURELY TURNING INTO A F*** UP, BUT I AM TRYING TO TURN ALL OF THAT AROUND. STILL, I HATE MYSELF, EVER SO DEEPLY. THIS IS A HITLER TYPE OF HATE IN WHICH WE ARE SPEAKING ABOUT. HOW DID I GET THIS WAY? WHAT THE F*** IS WRONG WITH ME? SOMEBODY HELP ME. SOMEBODY, PLEASE. I NEED TO BE SEDATED RIGHT NOW, I NEED THAT. I CANNOT DEAL WITH ANY OF THIS, I AM FALLING TO PIECES. THERE IS NOONE TO TALK TO. PERHAPS THE SCARIEST THING OF ALL IS THAT MY PLEAS ON HERE WILL NOT BE HEARD TO ANYONE.
In retrospect, it is awfully hard to
believe that less than a month ago it was me who not only wrote this,
but felt such horrific internal agony in which I resorted to writing such deeply demeaning words towards myself. Since resuming the anti-depressant in which I was
weaned off of, I am beginning to feel much better mentally and
emotionally. I still have plenty of days and times in which I feel low, but I do see the light at the end of the tunnel; I'm beginning to find beauty in even the most simplistic things in which life has to offer again, like the vast beauty of the fluffy white clouds in the sky.
Again, there is a lot more information
in which I need to share with readers in order for them to comprehend
my stopping the Sirolimus (at least for now). While I was on the Sirolimus, it definitely worked some medical wonders and I will be writing about those as well. I'll be writing more in
regards to this matter soon, so check back if interested in reading more about my decision to stop this medication.
Questions? Feel free to ask in the comment section. I will do my best to answer all and any in which you many have.
Questions? Feel free to ask in the comment section. I will do my best to answer all and any in which you many have.
Lots of love, Arianna Helena
Ari, Having struggled with depression for over two decades I do know how ugly and scary things can turn to in the blink of an eye. I don't know if you have ever joined an online depression support group or if you will ever consider joining one.
ReplyDeleteI joined one last year and I have had the opportunity to meet incredible people who supported, guided me and made me laugh when I was consumed by outrageous, yet non diagnosed lymphedema pain. Those people became my rock.
Medication is crucial for my stability. Is there any possibility that your doctor may explore another anti depressant that may not interact with sirilonimus?
Sweetie, you are very young and you have been through so much already. You neither chose depression nor KTS.
You are doing the best you can, especially by acknowledging both your physical and emotional pain .
Most adults would be intimidated to express their feelings and struggles so openly as you do.
You may not know how positively you are impacting other people's lives.
Your case is unique yet it is all too familiar to all patients who suffer from chronic illnesses that severely restrict their quality of life.
I know from experience that when you are in the claws of depression you tend to isolate and withdraw from others
You think that nobody might understand you , but that is not true.
To many times , just having somebody talk to you about trivial things can take your mind off severe, depressing thoughts.
Depression and anxiety tend to go hand in hand .
You might consider the option of asking your psychiatrist if you should take a tranquilizer if you feel that you are too anxious, nervous, panicking, your heart is racing,
I dont know if you would consider adding on more medications as part of your treatment but it is just another option
Talking to a therapist on a regular basis is another way to cope with depression
There are many techniques and tips you can read about in the web to help you cope with depression.
Another advantage of joining my support group is that it helped me focus on other people' s struggles .
I was truly surprised to find out how many people suffer from Mental health conditions alone. no other physical ailments are present
It helped me to put into perspective how strong and resilient a person afflicted by a chronic condition is
My advice is to keep on working with your doctors, keep on fighting, writing, seeking help in all the ways that might work for you.
I leave you my email here, cmercedes38@yahoo.com
Should you feel like you need to talk to someone and nobody else is available, you can email me.
I have three children about your age. There is plenty we can talk about . Lol
In my prayers honey
Ooh, hunny! I'm wondering how I missed these posts! I've followed you for what seems like forever and I never read these!! I'm so sorry you went thru this.....
ReplyDelete