Hey everyone! My next surgery is this coming October 1st. I am not afraid of the anesthetic part, as I am rather accustomed to that by now. I do, however, have other reservations in regards to this surgery... This particular surgery holds a great deal of sentimental value to me because of its location. When walking, my inner butt-cheeks swipe against each other and it is so incredibly uncomfortable. What if this does not correct that? What ifs, I know from my my psychological studies and therapy sessions alike, stem from anxiety. In the long run, what ifs will get you no where good, that much I have learned over the past few years.
Even when this particular area is not being touched, it feels as though there are sharp pains going through it. It does not impact my vaginal region, but merely the area directly outside of it. It stems from the anal region. Someday, when in love, I hope to be able to express it to the person in which I am with through my body. My sexual abuse history not included, I am indeed a virgin and have no shame in that. My body, more often than not over the years, rejects my own bacteria for a living. To have someone else's bacteria enter that region so close to where I get infected (my buttocks most often) is a risk and I have to be careful about how I carry myself. I do not believe in settling, but rather believe in waiting until love. Not only does this correspond to my own personal morals, but to help keep my Klippel as tame as possible.
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So, in essence, this surgery means a couple of things to me: the biggest one is alleviating the amount of pain in which I am in on a daily basis. I do not take any pain medication for this aside from meloxicam (an NSAID) on a daily basis which is meant to help me walk on my lower leg without being in treacherous pain. Aside from the pain factor, I want to help alleviate the rough texture and pain in this area so that I can be sexually active someday when the time is right. My main priority is undoubtedly the daily pain, but it is hard not to think of my future with a man as well.
Aside from this, I will be having some c02 laser done to help with growths scattered across my buttock regions. I have had this done a multitude of times before so I am not scared of the this particular procedure. Perhaps the only thing that scares me is that the open areas act as an opening for infection, but Dr. Alomari has agreed to throw me on a prophylactic for approximately 5 days. I feel he tends to be more conservative in terms of antibiotics, so I greatly appreciate him agreeing to do so. I'm allergic to 3 classes of antibiotics and often grow resistant to some, so throwing me on antibiotics is not as simplistic as it may seem. However, due to my past with sepsis, I think he is willing to do so. Not only that, but I do believe he wants me to feel more at ease and less worried about acquiring an infection following this procedure. He is, indeed, a wonderful doctor in every way in which one could be.
In the meantime, I have been dealing with a clot (which we suspect to be deep as the lidoderm patches did nothing to help ease my pain). I have been dealing with this particular issue since Saturday, and it has been rather difficult mentally as I did want to have a bit of fun prior to the surgery. However, it hurts to walk down the hallway so gallivanting to do random errands (which, sadly enough, I consider fun) is not feasible.
Emotionally, I am still struggling despite ongoing and continuous therapy sessions. The other day, after leaving a session, I took the elevator down to the first floor (where my car awaited me outside) and fell to the floor crying. It felt as though the room was spinning, and that all the oxygen in the room had evaporated. I should mention that I think highly of my main talk therapist; she is helping me in ways no one has ever helped me before. She is amazing, and I wish it hadn't taken me so long to find her. Still, I do have something entitled borderline personality disorder and my mood varies greatly at times for seemingly no reason at all. Somedays, I awake crying and can hardly find the volition to get out of bed...daily living is a struggle. Separating reaction to an ongoing illness versus mental illness is no easy challenge, and yet I finally feel as though I have found a team that has managed to do so. I would be lying, however, if I said that Klippel did not play a role in my mood...I do not think any professional would deny that. There have been countless studies on how chronic illness impacts the brain, and this illness has been going at me since birth.
I will end off here for now, as I have another therapy appointment I need to be up for early tomorrow. It feels like Wednesday is an eternity away, but I do believe it will be a step in the right direction. For now, I am merely trying to get through the next 4 days as best as I can, emotionally and physically speaking.
I sincerely hope you all are well...truly, I do. I have not been on my personal fb page nor answering barely any phone calls as I have been an emotional wreck. I know I am not the first person kt go through this and won't be the last... We just have to keep hanging in there, I suppose! Also, please, never be scared to ask for help if you feel you are struggling in any manner. There is no shame in merely asking for someone to help you navigate your way through life in the midst of a difficult time...
Just wanted to extend a sincere thank you to those who continue to believe and support me.
Love always,
Ari
