I am so accustomed to writing about my difficulties on here that I quite often forget to post something uplifting – which, from my own personal standpoint, can be somewhat easier said than done when in the midst of internal frustration; at times, these internal frustrations seem as wide and unwavering as the ocean itself...
I am not merely a young woman who everlastingly wanders around aimlessly engulfed in a dark, enigmatic, down-trodden haze- that is not the kind of person in which I envision myself as. For the past 10 years or so, I consciously concealed the vast majority of my emotions – deeming them to be innocuous in nature, and that (in vain) led to an overflowing affectionate burden these past few years.
I was, in retrospect, a balloon simply waiting to burst... it was not hard for my tight-circle to envision a mental decline at the time due to years of harsh experiences battling Klippel in addition to having an overly-sensitive nature in terms of acquiring “perfection.” From my acquired knowledge in the psychological field, my deep-rooted psychological issues stem from a cocktail of environmental circumstances and genes. As a dear and undeniably competent Psych. Professional once told me, “not everyone who has chronic illness has a mental illness, too.” These are words in which I would like patients and parents alike to keep in mind. I happen to have Klippel-Trenaunay Syndrome and Borderline Personality Disorder (the latter falls under mental illness for those who may not be aware). While dealing with the emotional residue of my life thus far these past several years, I have experienced some of my worst demons in terms of Klippel and its vile symptoms. Life is not particularly easy, but on a grand-scheme world perspective, it is not all too bad, either. I am sitting here, in the comfort of my bed, wearing cozy slippers and eating freshly-picked Raspberries while the sun hides beneath the evening sky, preparing itself for yet another heat-ladden summer day. Gazing around my room, I see a momentous amount of pictures – ones that remind me of how blessed I am in terms of the delightfully radiant, colourful people I have met along my journeys and the places I have been fortunate enough to visit by some minute granule of fortune.
That is not to deny or downplay my problems, as that is in no way my intention. Many who have kept up with me in personal life, on here, or through some other social-networking platform know I have been rather vocal about my plight with Klippel. Whether it's been combating Septicemia, Cellulitis, Thrombophlebitis, a mere superficial clot, relentless chronic pain, countless surgeries, it feels as though I have circled the Klippel drain a multitude of times. The sentence above, however, merely details the physically apparent burdens of my life thus far. I have also flirted with deep periods of depression, OCD, and suicidal thoughts (behavior too, as noted in my posts prior). And, at this very moment, I am experiencing a bit of a lousy (and rather painful) bout with my Klippel that will undoubtedly lead to more surgery this upcoming Fall season.
Yet, with the great assistance of those around me (rather that be professionals, family, or friends), I continue to prevail in life – in the sense that I am still living it! Not only that, though, I live it to various emotional extents – sometimes, perhaps when I am least expecting it, I feel as though I am somewhat naturally high on life (admittedly those moments do not come nearly as often as I would like). Perhaps my fondest memory since my last hospitalization (I was released at the end of June from Children's Hospital Boston after approximately 27 days inpatient) is that of watching the Sunset while driving my Dad's 1980 gold-vintage Trans Am at a rapid pace (music and speakers in tow) while grazing the landscape of the tedious 93 highway... I love that little things like those can still ignite a light so rampant within me – and at those moments, I feel as though I am on top of the world, truly... It is as though I can see my problems and hindrances for what they are in the grand-scheme of my life, and in that time period I find my own volition to not only keep living this life – wherever it may take me - bad or good, but to honor it.
Below are pictures from July and this month. You would be rather surprised how emotionally vulnerable I feel in a multitude of these pictures, despite my put-together outward appearance. In someways, it's a facade that I must maintain (while amongst strangers) in order to delve back into society until I am fully comfortable around others once again... My mom is rather good at inspiring me to get out and about despite pain and mental agony. It is my job, however, to determine my overall symptoms on that given day and examine whether it is in my overall best interest to go out or not.
This was supposedly to strictly be a picture post – with perhaps a couple of fully-constructed sentences as narration. Clearly it did not turn out that way! I am writing this in the middle of the night, so hopefully this piece of “writing” is coherent in some way or another... = X Anyhow, though, I hope you all have a lovely day and would like to thank you sincerely for reading what I have to write... I read each and every comment posted here and many of them have touched me profoundly... In terms of social media, I am a dedicated Facebook user and can be found under the username of Arianna Helena.
Until next time,