It was one of those days where I did not want to get up – I could have easily just lay in bed for hours upon hours... but, reluctant to mess up sleep schedule for the upcoming evening, I forced myself out of bed and into the shower. For most people, showering is just that, a shower. For me, however, it is one of the most grueling parts of my day. Aside from the vast discomfort that comes from doing so with my Klippel, I find myself ritualizing a great deal during this time period. If I do not do things in a certain order, if I do not count to a certain exact number while performing a task, than I am not “clean” by my own standards... it may sound quite odd to someone who does not have OCD. However, for me, this is just one symptom of my condition that presents itself on a daily basis.
It is somewhat customary for my parents to knock on the bathroom door and ask if I am okay while showering – usually I am in there for an hour to an hour and fifteen minutes. Yes, I know how incredibly asinine that sounds, truly I do! Perhaps the craziest part is that after, I still do not feel clean often times... Since I have come home about 3 weeks ago, my OCD has grown increasingly worse. I am, however, working with my talk therapist and psychiatric very closely in order to monitor the bevy of mental problems in which I am experiencing.
It is not atypical for me to wake up and feel disconnected from the rest of the world – quite often, in fact, I feel as though I am having an out of body experience. Often a time, I wake up and tears flood my eyes... my mind is constantly inundated with questions along the lines of “why am I here? What is my purpose? What now?” I never know how to answer them, though, and often find myself existing out of mere habit rather than my own volition these days.
I was diagnosed with something entitled borderline personality disorder – just last week, upon a visit to my psych. Doctor, I found out I have it. Throughout the years, I knew there was more to my mental state than just “merely” depression and anxiety, but I was never quite sure what... As far as what borderline personality disorder is, I encourage you to do your own research. However, I do urge you to use caution upon searching (i.e. look at reputable sources). As time elapses, I am certain I will write more in regards to this disorder on here and how it impacts me.
For the time being, however, I am attending therapy several times a week to work on my mental health. I have started Dialectic Behavioral Therapy (a form of Cognitive Behavorial Therapy) and am already rather fond of it. As far as mental illness is concerned, my stance is the same as it has always been since it first majorly impacted me at the tender age of 18...there is no shame in having one. Like Klippel, I did not choose this for myself...it was thrust upon me. As far as obstacles are concerned, it is not the challenge that defines the person. But rather, it is the way in which one works to overcome his/her challenge(s) that should define them.
As far as my Klippel is concerned, things are under control infection/clot wise. However, my foot/ankle are a ticking time bomb. Aove is a picture of how the foot/ankle area looked during my June hospitalization. Upon my return home on the cusp of July, they returned to normal after Dr. Alomari did some tiny (yet exponentially helpful) procedure. However, each and every day it is beginning to revert back to what you see in the picture – slowly but surely. I am rather stressed in regards to this matter, but am taking it one day at a time.
I love you all and appreciate you taking the time to read my writings.
May you be well,