My problem is that I want to inflict
good upon others but cannot effectively do so until I am in a place
of wholeness and wellness myself. The journey to getting there seems
to be intolerable, and I feel as though I am held captive in a pit of
circumstances that are of my own doing. Those words are, indeed,
important: my own doing. Depression will try to tell you that.. Tell
you that all of the bad things that have happened to you are a result
of your own unworthiness, and that you deserved for them to have
happened to you.
Truth is, I didn't choose to be born
with a debilitating illness that has plagued not only me but my loved
ones. But, inside, there is a voice that tries to tell me maybe I
did.
After 16 days in the hospital, I was
released. I am far from well, but I felt I could handle the thunder
on my own. Or maybe I didn't, maybe I just hoped against all odds.
These past hospitalizations have caused me to miss so many
significant days, like my mom's 50th birthday. Do you know
what my mom did on her 50th birthday? She cried, and it
was over me. That day I woke up in the hospital and got extremely
sick with the worst cellulitis infection I've had thus far. I know
there was chaos, and lots of medical staff, but that's not what
sticks out in my mind; no, all I remember amongst the blurred vision
from tears is seeing my mom cry. It stabs me in the heart. I missed
my parent's anniversary and father's day, too. I don't care about my
own satisfaction I just want to help others who have been victimized
by my condition be well, to live as though it didn't exist.
So, I went home after 16 days
inpatient. Not 18, 19, 20, but 16. And, I would do it all over again
for my sister. I went home because yesterday was her birthday (and my
dogs!). She kept saying she didn't care if she had a party, but I
knew she did; she just may not have realized it. I only made a small
appearance at her birthday, but I know she was happy and did have
some much needed fun. Me being in the hospital, after all, greatly
impacts her life too and she has been exposed to harsh realities
younger than some of her peers. Even though I am sitting here in so
much pain and feel so feeble, I would come home again a thousand
times over for her and her happiness.
I just want to help everyone be happy.
