Scattered Thoughs

Each day I wake up and wonder what my journey and purpose will be throughout this fleeting lifetime of mine. I was born different, but wasn't everybody in some capacity? Does my chronic illness being so rare mean that I was born especially different? I think one could argue yes, but it is vital to also acknowledge that we are all created unique within our own ways tailored by a higher power of some sort.

Still, having been born with such a rare illness, do I have some obligation to garner awareness for it? Do I want this to become a part of my ever-evolving self-identity? These are questions in which flow throughout my stream of consciousness on a daily basis.

Ever since I was little, I held on to minute matters and recollections more than the average person would have. Seeing as that last sentence is ever so vague, I will gladly expand on it. For example, I still cannot erase the image of the obese black homeless man I passed on the streets during that snowing, freezing Boston night. It was several years back, but I'm still bothered. He was bundled up in a jacket, and what little possessions he had lay beside him on the worn street. My heart was torn into a million little pieces at that moment. And, when I look back, it still is. That's was someone's son, someone's brother out there struggling to maintain even the slightest amount of warmth through his garment. I took a quick glance at his tired face, and saw the look of utter

defeat within his pain-stricken

eyes. People continuously try to rationalize his misfortune to me, saying that he was probably a druggie or drunk of some sort who couldn't hold down a job. It didn't matter to me, human suffering was human suffering and I felt so inconsolable that I couldn't change his circumstances at that point in time.

I have an array of heart-breaking memories just like that one dating back to my childhood. Just normal instances for some people in which they might not have thought twice about, but nonetheless sad memories within my eyes.

I think that haven been given such a large heart and rare illness, I was born to make a difference. As those of you who know me or my writings on here may already know, I am passionate about helping those with mental illness as I suffer from those as well.

This is a confusing time in my life. I still live at home with mom and dad but crave an independence that is not attainable to me at this point in time. I still don't know who I am, and am slowly learning who I want to be. I guess the one constant I have maintained within my desires is to make a difference, and so I will continue to embark upon that journey.

Wishing you much peace and love,

Arianna

In Addition to the Last Post...

I want to add a note to the last post I did, in which I claimed I had an easier time dealing with my KTS than my mental disorders.

1) I was born into Klippel-Trenaunay Syndrome. I have not known life without it, and while it has progressed over the years, I am always going to be accustomed to some variation of it.
2) Depression was something in which I did not experience until my late teens. I've dealt with a moderate level of anxiety the entirety of my life but it did not get extreme until my late teens as well. Therefore, when I say dealing with these mental disorders are more difficult than dealing with my KTS, I must acknowledge that these disorders onset have been more recent in some respects. I have not had as much time to cope, and perhaps over time I will not find these disorders to be so fatiguing in my daily life within the future.

I took some pictures on Easter and was surprised to see how good my KTS looked within them. See for yourself below. - A

What's Harder for Me, Bipolar or KTS?

I hope everyone had a lovely Easter! As far as my KTS is concerned, I am in a good place at this point in time. Not to say everything is perfect, but the positive is far outweighing any negative.

For me, though, the KTS portion of my life has been considerably easier to deal with than any mental problems I have experienced throughout the past few years.

When I get a cellultis infection,I go to the doctors and it's up to them to fix me. It's up to them to find the right antibiotic to sliver through my body and wipe away all traces of the infection as thoroughly as possible. A nurse hooks up my IV and lets the fluid work its magic. Within a couple of weeks, the problem is usually solved and I can revert to a normal physical state leg wise.

However, as someone who deals with bipolar disorder and a high level of anxiety on a daily basis, I cannot help but find these mental disorders much more complex than that of my KTS. Perhaps because controlling my moods has been somewhat of an issue, and it requires a great deal of cognitive work on my part. If I don't practice good cognitive techniques, along with attending weekly appointments and taking medications, things can go awry rather quickly.

My KTS and bipolar disease do have things in common, though. For example, with my KTS I can wake up to an infection or clot and then be forced to deal with it. Same with bipolar disorder, I have found. I can be in a good mood and then fall into a lousy bout the next day and be forced to deal with that.

All I know at current is this: You wake up each day and just place one foot in front of the other. Sometimes it's just going through the motions, but that's okay because it gets you through temporarily.

I know I am far from the only one who deal with a chronic illness and some kind of mental disorder - and my heart goes out to all of you. It is not easy and definitely not fun - you guys are warriors! It's true, and don't doubt it for even a slight second. - A