"Only some of my immediate family members, physicians, and two friends know this but for a couple of months prior to this hospitalization, I was engaging in some pretty risky behavior. Late at night, before bed, I was mixing anti- anxiety medicines with alcohol. After a surgery, I would mix my pain killers with alcohol and at times I was on pretty hefty dosages. Truth is that I took my life for granted and felt imprisoned by my own mind and the torture in which my Klippel kept putting me through... My depression tried to tell me that while my family would be sad if I passed, it may be better off for them in the long run and I would no longer be a gargantuan burden to them. There were times I went to bed knowing I may not wake up and I did not care; I was seeking a peace that I could not seem to find here on Earth and I wanted a way out. No one knew this, though, because I was so manipulative with how I went about it. I was going to sleep way after my parents and sister were already in for the night, so I was able to get away with it behind my locked bedroom door. I was hiding the alcohol in my closest underneath a pile of clothes. I would like to note, however, that I would never and have never driven in this state for I would never endanger the lives of innocent others...that much I can proudly say for myself.
The day after I came home from the hospital (about 2 weeks ago), I came clean to my parents (along with my physicians and eventually a couple of friends) about what I had been doing leading up to this prior hospitalization. I was an absolute emotional wreck, and I knew that if I could not be honest now, I would end up “accidentally” taking my own life one of these nights. I was, in terms of my depression and anxiety, my own worst enemy and coming clean was probably the best decision I could have ever made... my parents, upon learning what I had been doing, were shocked and horrified but vowed to do everything they could to get me back on track again. When my psych. Doctor found out about the cocktail (and amount) of medicine and alcohol I had been mixing every night, she was beyond horrified and told me I am lucky to still be alive right now. In telling the truth, I felt so vulnerable and absolutely petrified, but I no longer wanted to deceive those around me and felt this was a good time to save me from myself...With that said, I am attending several therapy appointments per week right now with the doctor and talk therapist. I am so grateful for all of the help in which I am receiving and regret having taken my life for granted, no matter how hollow I felt or feel internally at any given time. It's funny, I have spent such a momentous amount of time fighting my Klippel to stay alive, and yet I was willing to throw away all of that perseverance and hard work for pills and alcohol...to quell feelings of despair that were and are very treatable with a great deal of hard work.
Tonight, while out with my family in Boston, I could not help but feel as though I was lucky...for whatever reason, I survived the self-medicating ordeal and my Klippel is currently under control. I still have so much work to do on myself and I would be lying if I said I was emotionally stable. However, I am trying and that's really the only thing in which I can do at this point in time; that and accept the help in which those around me have so graciously offered me.
I am not one to give advice, that much I am aware, but if I could tell anyone stuck in the midst of a deep depression one thing it would be to open up to others around you...do not sit alone with the suicidal thoughts and despair. There is no shame in having depression, anxiety, etc., they are just as real as having a visibly physical ailment. Also, do not self-medicate.... Tonight, down by the waterfront, I saw a parade of people enjoying life and partaking in some of the fun in which it has to offer... I want that to be me, someday, I thought to myself. I have a long way to go but I am learning to cope with my emotions in a healthy way... that means cutting out people who are toxic and not surrounding myself with negative energy. Along with this, I am trying to build-up my self-esteem and learning to cope with all my Klippel has put me through. I'm learning, and like I said I regret having done what I was doing for months leading up to this hospitalization; your life is worth something, despite how much your mind may try to convince you otherwise at times...
Keep living, loving, and learning,
Arianna"
Your blog is always startling in its truth and I can't help but pray (when I'm not religious!) that modern medicine can finally catch up and help you. I think someday you should write your memoirs into a book, maybe even this blog into a book. You are brave as usual in telling your story, and I'm honored to read it. I wish I had some words to help, but I don't have any, just to say that what you focus on, you will attain one day. Yes cut out negative people, right now!! They have no place in your healing and growth.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could help you ...
ReplyDeleteA warm and loving hug of a KT patient from the Netherlands x
I admire you opening up and putting it out there. I too have often felt like a burden to my family and it is so tough not to want to escape from the pain, emotional and physical and drugs allow us to do that. I'm 29 and was born with KT where my left leg is larger mostly from the knee down, I have a large birthmark on my hip that luckily is not raised or bumpy or bleeds. My skin is completely intact and I basically have excess veins and an enlarged vein that remain diluted and the blood pools. I have had a few infections, but on rare occasions. I am studying to be an herbalist and have found many alternatives that are extremely helpful, I am never afraid to have to take antibiotics or be in the hospital again for a cellulitis infection because I have all kinds of natural antibiotics that have worked wonders if I start to see redness or a bug bite and as a prophylaxis. I'm working on getting the information out there once I am certified. But one thing that has really helped, is an Echinacea tincture from HerbPharm. I don't sell or have any affiliation with them or the company, just know that's what I used and it drastically brought down the excess lymphedema and swelling. I've never had surgery, my mom never liked the results of what they saw, have you had debunking? That is an unfortunate thing the medical community tries to say is the last resort....instead it's a means to more pain and swelling....I wish you the best and hope to share more about herbal alternatives, such as tea tree oil, oregano oil, lavender essential oil, goldenseal, green clay, herbal liniments. Valerian an Passion flower for the nerve pain and pressure pain lemon balm, it's really incredible.
ReplyDeleteDear Arianna, I`m so glad that you decided to write a blog of yours expiriances. This one makeme cry. Why? Becouse I have a daugther who born with KTS 2006. and my greatest fear is that she will have that kind of bad "ideas" in future. I´m trying to do my best to make her feel beautiful no matter what anybody else say...but unfortunately, as we all know, there are always bad and negative people who can "pull us down". She is one little (for me of course) brave princess who is often in hospital without me and I cannot do anything to prevent it or minimize it which makes me feel helpless. BUT: I would give my life for her ( and I`m sure yours parents feel the same for you) and I hate event to think what would be if she was gone...if she die...or try to take away her life.
ReplyDeleteSo, I`m glad that I found yours blog so I can read your thougths, experiances and put even more effort to help her, to make her stronger for life in future.
And I wish you all the best in yours life!
Regards from one mum (from small country Croatia- Europa)...