It was one of those days where I did
not want to get up – I could have easily just lay in bed for hours
upon hours... but, reluctant to mess up sleep schedule for the
upcoming evening, I forced myself out of bed and into the shower. For
most people, showering is just that, a shower. For me, however, it is
one of the most grueling parts of my day. Aside from the vast
discomfort that comes from doing so with my Klippel, I find myself
ritualizing a great deal during this time period. If I do not do
things in a certain order, if I do not count to a certain exact
number while performing a task, than I am not “clean” by my own
standards... it may sound quite odd to someone who does not have OCD.
However, for me, this is just one symptom of my condition that
presents itself on a daily basis.
It is somewhat customary for my parents
to knock on the bathroom door and ask if I am okay while showering –
usually I am in there for an hour to an hour and fifteen minutes.
Yes, I know how incredibly asinine that sounds, truly I do! Perhaps
the craziest part is that after, I still do not feel clean often
times... Since I have come home about 3 weeks ago, my OCD has grown
increasingly worse. I am, however, working with my talk therapist and
psychiatric very closely in order to monitor the bevy of mental
problems in which I am experiencing.
It is not atypical for me to wake up
and feel disconnected from the rest of the world – quite often, in
fact, I feel as though I am having an out of body experience. Often a
time, I wake up and tears flood my eyes... my mind is constantly
inundated with questions along the lines of “why am I here? What is
my purpose? What now?” I never know how to answer them, though, and
often find myself existing out of mere habit rather than my own
volition these days.
I was diagnosed with something entitled
borderline personality disorder – just last week, upon a visit to
my psych. Doctor, I found out I have it. Throughout the years, I knew
there was more to my mental state than just “merely” depression
and anxiety, but I was never quite sure what... As far as what
borderline personality disorder is, I encourage you to do your own
research. However, I do urge you to use caution upon searching (i.e.
look at reputable sources). As time elapses, I am certain I will
write more in regards to this disorder on here and how it impacts me.
For the time being, however, I am
attending therapy several times a week to work on my mental health. I
have started Dialectic Behavioral Therapy (a form of Cognitive
Behavorial Therapy) and am already rather fond of it. As far as
mental illness is concerned, my stance is the same as it has always
been since it first majorly impacted me at the tender age of
18...there is no shame in having one. Like Klippel, I did not choose
this for myself...it was thrust upon me. As far as obstacles are
concerned, it is not the challenge that defines the person. But
rather, it is the way in which one works to overcome his/her
challenge(s) that should define them.
As far as my Klippel is concerned,
things are under control infection/clot wise. However, my foot/ankle
are a ticking time bomb. Aove is a picture of how the foot/ankle
area looked during my June hospitalization. Upon my return home on
the cusp of July, they returned to normal after Dr. Alomari did some
tiny (yet exponentially helpful) procedure. However, each and every
day it is beginning to revert back to what you see in the picture – slowly
but surely. I am rather stressed in regards to this matter, but am
taking it one day at a time.
I love you all and appreciate you
taking the time to read my writings.
May you be well,
Arianna