These days, I find myself dealing with
the emotional habit of extreme loneliness. It feels as though the
rest of the world has seemingly abandoned me and moved on, and I am stuck in my own bantam,
isolated corner of the world. As a 23 year old, the vast majority of
my friend circle has graduated from college, procured jobs in their
desired fields, and even found healthy, fulfilling intimate
relationships. Perhaps that sounds as though I am idealizing their current situation, and perhaps to some extent I am. However, what I typed was factual; what they would have to say about their feelings of living in the real world and the stresses that accompany it may be quite different...I, on the other hand, struggle to maintain old and new ones alike as I struggle with the physical symptoms of this condition along with the emotional ones.
Anyway, I often find myself sitting
alone in my room reveling in my feelings of utter loneliness. Do SOMETHING, I tell myself. Don't just waste the precious moments others who are deceased wish they could have back wallowing in your own self-pity...so I call or text a friend, only to find out they are busy. I log onto the dating website I joined on a whim about a year ago. Maybe there will be a decent lad worth speaking to and killing some time...Oh, no, just another 20-something-year-old "man" wanting me to send revealing pictures of myself to him, or there's the 60 year-old-man with the ironic facial hair desperate for constant companionship in which I cannot give him.
On a
late Wednesday night, one is not very likely to find someone to hang
out with that needs to be in work by 6am the next morning. Nor am I
very good at making connections these days. Lord knows I try...but panic is a constant in my body. Even when it may seem I am at ease through the eyes of someone else, I am probably just trying to pass off as okay. The slightest sensation of pain in my left buttock or thigh is enough to evoke an emotional riot within me... I think back to that time I was sitting in the school library about a year back now, working on next week's homework assignment and then came a painful twinge throughout my left buttock...next thing you know I am being rushed to the hospital and trying to fight for my life in the emergency room. My temperature sky-rocketed, the cellulitis area burned as though it was on fire and it took me hours to shake those damn rigors. How am I supposed to know that is not what is happening now? God, if I could have a crystal ball at times I swear I would be so much more at ease with life and more relaxed... or perhaps I wouldn't...perhaps it's a good thing I don't have that non-existent crystal ball to see into the future... LORD ONLY KNOWS.
I feel as though most
people don't understand what I have been through medically and/or
emotionally, and it makes me feel as though finding genuine
relationships in the future will be exceedingly difficult. I try to
remind myself that everyone has gone through some kind of trauma, and
that I will more than likely not be able to understand
theirs...therefore how can I expect them to understand mine?
I do have a great deal of support
online, that much I cannot deny. Still, it is not the same as having
face to face contact and being able to smell the scent of someone's
perfume of gaze into their eyes empathetically during a conversation.
I do not mean to sound ungrateful for the unwavering support I have found online
for without it I am not quite sure as to where I would be
emotionally...probably in a perpetual state of emotional ruins! It's
just that these loved ones are scattered throughout the globe, and
quite often I find myself wishing I lived within driving distance of
them and could accompany them in person, whether it be to laugh, cry, or whatever...
I am going to be incredibly real about
something in which I have experimented with this past week and a
half; drinking as a method to cope with my loneliness. Perhaps it was
the worst kind of drinking, as it was drinking alone and under the
radar. Never have I reached a state of being fully “drunk” in the
entirety of my life thus far, but feeling buzzed was enough to make
me abandon this rather deceitful method of coping. In fact, just
prior to typing this I took a 12 pack of beer (with 6 cans still
remaining unopened), walked down to my kitchen hall and abandoned
them in the communal trash bin. Absolutely no regrets, either.
Tonight, after consuming 3 beers, I walked into my kitchen where my
parents were residing. Prior to me even saying a word, my dad said
“you've been drinking, I can tell.” Nobody knows me better than
my parents, and they are quite aware of my vices. Still, I don't want
to be that girl who drinks to deal with feelings of loneliness,
guilt, shame, etc.
Perhaps the hardest part of the
situation I find myself in is that I do feel as though I've reached
out to several people nearby, as professionals tell you to do when
feeling lonely. Yet, it seems as though nobody is able to be with me,
and that leads to me questioning myself a great deal of the time.
“Why does everyone hate me? What did I do wrong? Surely it's me,
for everyone else seems to be doing just fine... Again, why does
everyone hate me? Why aren't I worthy of companionship?” These
thoughts constantly inundate their way through my mind, and yet I never seem to find
logical answers despite hours of emotional rumination.
Unfortunately, I must admit that at this point in time I do
not know how to deal with my feelings of extreme loneliness, but I do
plan to fight these emotions with all the energy in which I can
muster. Several books and online articles exist about this topic, and
provide methods to alleviate these negative connotations in which
some (like myself) attach to themselves. I also have my trusty talk
therapist, and I believe together we can get me through this. For 22
years, I dealt with my problems in the utmost healthy manner, without
turning to foreign substances and abusing medications and what not.
Now, at 23, I am deciding that it is I who is in charge of forging my
own future, to a degree at least. I cannot help what will happen to
me medically, but I can control how I choose to deal with the
collateral damage in which this medical condition topples me with.
Until next time,
Arianna
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