"The healthy and strong individual is the one who asks for help when he needs it. Whether he’s got an abscess on his knee or in his soul." - Rona Barrett


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xoxo

Pure-O

I always had signs of OCD and more specifically Pure-O (a form of OCD) since I was a child. I remember being in church and I would be scared I would think something bad in such a sacred place. My mind, feeling threatened, would of course come up with some ridiculous pejorative thought, and then I would go into a state of panic for thinking said thought. Maybe because I had the thought my mom would die, or maybe it would be my dad. I remember tracing the number of lines that divided tiles on the floor. I would think that if I didn’t count in multiple of three’s or what not, something bad would happen to someone I love. Then, I would get frustrated at those around me. At times, I would think if you only knew all of the work I have done today just to keep you alive; and what I really meant by “work” was, well, compulsions.

When I was in high school, I would rewrite certain written assignments two or three times, because if I started the first word and the first letter of it didn’t look "right," something bad was bound to happen. Maybe I would die, or maybe someone else close to me would. Rewriting the assignment made me feel better, that is until the next anxious thought came along. Maybe it was turning the sink or light switch on and off three times, maybe not.

The strange thing is that I was able to keep this relatively quiet amongst my closest friends and family. No one knew I was going through this while I was, and that’s because I took extra precautions to make sure they didn’t. At the time, I began to sense that this was not a normal way of life however I felt it was the only way to survive at that point. I remember feeling so much sorrow inside, so much anxiety and such an abundance of fear.

In the next three years or so until college, I was able to calm some of my physical compulsions, actually most of them. If I felt like I needed to do a physical compulsion to calm my nerves, I would force myself not to do it, and let the anxiety dwell within me for however long it took to pass back to a state of normal. I came to realize gradually that I would not drop dead if I didn’t do it or nothing catastrophic would happen right after if I didn’t give in to these compulsions. Slowly, they fell to the wayside. Not to say I am 100%, and I still have my hard times with it.

After these compulsions started to ease up, I fell head first into a different form of OCD entitled Pure-O. This is basically having repetitive, irrational fears and mentally “checking” and ruminating in your mind about them. Generally, the ruminating is focused on one irrational fear that the person sees as a legitimate threat.

I could go on and on about Pure-O, but I am not much up for typing about that part of my life with OCD thus far at this moment in time. I will say that things started to get majorly out of control with it my freshman year and I have since been on OCD medication and had regular counseling sessions. Yet, everyday is still a battle for me; although some days are easier than others. It’s hard though, as no one else I know around me has gone through anything like this and can’t relate at all. I have read and talked with other people on the internet who have gone through the same thing, and while it was helpful, it would be awesome if I could physically interact with someone who understands.

Every day with this is a battle, and sometimes I get really down from it but I just keep going. Life has its sweet moments, and in order to get to those, you just have to get through these, even if you take life minute by minute. As hard as things get, there is always a time in the future when I look back and am glad I kept going because I wouldn't want to miss this or that. Sometimes it seems doubtful that time will ever come again, but it always does. Perhaps the number one thing I learned is to find a balance between being busy enough in my daily live, but not too busy.

& Just Like That

Sometimes you fall, and you think this is it, I’m done, and I’ll never be able to make it back up

Then you think of those people and wonder what message you’d be relaying

So, it starts with you moving a finger, which leads to a hand and so on

You’re up, just like you never thought you would be

You’re up