50,000 views may be such a miniscule
amount for the vast majority of the world in terms of viewing number
or readership, but for me it is somewhat of a milestone. Why?
Probably at somewhere around the 25-35 thousand view mark I was
taking my life into my own hands by making some poor decisions
happening behind the closed door of my bedroom.
Alcohol and pain medicine, anyone? For
me, it was probably what was for dinner at least half a dozen times
in conjunction to mixing the perilous cocktail with xanex a slew of
nights. Other nights it was merely Xanex and alcohol. I was heading
down such a self-destructive path. It was absolute chaos that ensued
following a lifelong stint of trying to kick this little-known
disorder in the butt (no pun intended). I hated myself for the mere
fact that I existed. That's my ugly truth, and I have hesitated to
say it on a public media forum for some time now. But while the
sentence, “I hated myself for the mere fact that I existed” may
be simple, the aggravating components beneath the self-loathing
statement were anything but.
It made no sense to me really for I
fought for so many years to live, and not just to live, but to live a
life with vigour and adventure...My mind was so inundated with
depression and many of its closest friends (hello, OCD) that getting
up and getting dressed on my healthiest of days became such a
gargantuan burden. It was an utterly hard time for me and my head was
absolutely spinning. In taking those drugs in the manner I did, I was
crying for help, I just didn't realize it at that particular point in
time. I was struggling with growing up and accepting my reality and
what had happened to me, and at the end of the tunnel I could only
see ominous colors; why fight to live if the rest of my life may
resemble the horrors of the past? At that point in time, I was a
passenger on a never-ending merry-go-round ride that consisted of
Sepsis, surgeries, and hospital stints all relating to Klippel. Then,
in the midst of all that, I was struggling to fight through a
different battle: major depressive disorder and anxiety gone rampant.
Between fighting all of these negative elements, I became absolutely
exhausted. I had the best Klippel Dr.s and a great mental health team
but still felt enslaved to these conditions each moment of every
single day. As one of my Dr.s who did Graduate work at the famed
University of Cincinatti said, “mental illness does not always
accompany a physical chronic illness.” For me, the two were
blending together and creating a vast image of disillusionment that
solely consisted of hopelessness for the future.
However, I came clean about my usage
after another month long hospital stint for being Septic this past
June. Now, at 50,000 views, I am struggling to recover from my latest
debulking surgery. And although I am still grappling with the throws
of Klippel, I have evolved into a better person than when I initially
started this blog. I have come to accept myself more, and am learning
that I do indeed deserve nice things to happen to me. I am learning
that I do deserve love and acceptance and people who treat me nicely
in my life. It has taken me a long time to get to this point of
learning to accept myself, and I am not fully there just yet.
However, I cannot wait to see where life takes me within the next
50,000 views!
Thank you for all of the love and
support in which you all have shown me. I am having a particularly
tough time recovering from this debulking surgery, but I have a
support team that cannot be rivaled.
Lots of love,
Arianna
