Chasing Happiness

Can you be a happy person, even with a chronic illness?

Absolutely. I would know because for several years I was one of the happiest people alive, and I do not make that claim lightly. I remember my best summers were those I spent playing outdoors - even if that just entailed my older sister pushing me around in a wagon while I clutched onto my American Girl Doll. I went through so much physical agony as a child, and yet I was truly happy. I would have normal mood changes every now and then - I may have felt frightened before a surgery or angry if I didn't get something I wanted. But, overall, I loved life and all in which it had to offer. Throughout my life, I have always had people ask me "how are you always so happy all the time?" Others would make remarks about how I was always smiling. I found their accusations to be somewhat funny, as I simply did not even realize I was doing anything out of the ordinary per say...

Now, on the brink of turning 22, I find myself quite often unhappy or irritable/on-edge. I look back and start to wonder when I really lost sight of happiness, and that was probably around the age of 18. Since then I have been diagnosed as being bipolar while having OCD, and everyday feels like an immense struggle, a never-ending uphill battle so to speak. To be honest, some days are just downright torturous as far as mental scenarios are concerned; getting out of bed takes an enormous amount of strength often a time. When I was little, if someone were to tell me I were to be depressed and anxious when I grew up, I would have had no idea what they meant. Those terms were so foreign to me and I had no conceptualization of them. 

So, at current, I face some obstacles, obstacles like having Klippel-Trenaunay Syndrome along with being bipolar and having OCD. But you know what? I am not giving up on finding happiness. The happiness I felt as a child was so influential throughout my life that is has kept me going on many a nights where I feel as though I just cannot take anymore. I know that happiness exists and that I have to work to get it back, but I am ready for the challenge. I'm ready to start taking steps forward in finding and creating my own happiness. 

I was working on a big presentation due for a class tomorrow, but I had these thoughts running through my mind and I hadn't updated in a bit so I figured why not vent here for a bit.

Chase your own happiness. It won't just come to you. (so I am learning).

- A