I spend a great deal of time in therapy
these days trying to sort out the seemingly relentless and
never-ending mess present within my mind. More often than not, it
does feel as though there is a constant war taking place within my
overly-neurotic brain. It's not easy, for I struggle with major
depressive disorder, borderline personality disorder (albeit a mild
case), and OCD on top of my KTS. Many a days, I find myself wanting
to feel at peace, even if it's merely to a minimalistic caliber. I
have a great deal of trouble achieving internal calm despite my
hardest exertions. Having chronic pain while simultaneously
struggling with mental illness can be abominably fatiguing. Yet, I am
aware that there are people who have overcome much harsher
circumstances, and I always want to be cognizant of that fact. I
think it is absolutely vital to be conscious of other worldly
happenings. While it does not change my particular circumstances, it
does indeed help to add perspective to a rather complex situation.
So, while I may be in a great deal of
pain on a daily basis (I have an impending debulking surgery that
needs to be done with Dr. Spencer), I do try to be aware that life
could be a lot harsher in terms of my life with Klippel. In fact, I
was speaking with a dear life-long (non-chronically ill) friend about
this on the phone just earlier tonight. What if I had been born in a
poverty-stricken 3rd world county in which there was no
place suitable to treat Klippel? I would not have made it past my 1st
birthday, as I was septic at the tender age of 6 months old. What if
I did not have parents who were not willing to take care of me when I
am unwilling to take care of myself? What if I had to handle my
financial burden entirely on my own? Surely, in spite of everything,
there is a great deal in which to be thankful for.
However, this gratitude is also
followed by a momentous magnitude of guilt, as I cannot help but
wonder why I was the lucky one; why was I the one that was born in
Boston as opposed to China where Klippel babies are sometimes left on
the streets to die (based on superstition of their birthmarks, so I
have been told by some reputable sources). Not to mention, the guilt
that comes associated with being the chronically ill one in the
family that has inconvenienced everyone else. None of this is easy
for me to comprehend at this point in my life, and I do not believe
that I am supposed to have all the answers as of yet. I believe that
in terms of learning to accept my condition in terms of what I have,
what it has done to me, and what it has done to others around me,
there are layers that will constantly be unraveled as my life
progresses.
While I would never say to someone
going through a harsh medical situation (whether that be mentally or
physically) that it could be worse, the verity is that in my case, I
am fully aware it actually could be. There is, however, a fine line
between glamourizing my situation because of the fortunate
circumstances surrounding me and that of denial... I am still trying
to maneuver my way through all of this mess, but I am hoping the
chemo med called Sirolimus that I am back on will work some wonders
in terms of my physical health. I undoubtedly believe that my
physical health has played an active role in further aggravating my
mental health (as many Journalistic studies have proven in patients
with chronic-illness). Mental health issues run in my family on both
sides, and that in itself is something to be aware of as these
genetics are often passed down. So, while I fully believe that I
would still be dealing with a slew of psych. Disorders (even without
the constant distress Klippel has inundated my life with for the vast
majority of my time here on Earth), I do not believe they would be
nearly as out of control as they are now.
Just some random musings prior to bed
as my mind is restless at current.
May you all be well,
Arianna Helena
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