We'll be Alright

At that point, I was feeling as though everything was so utterly hopeless. “I swear to God if you guys don't pull the picc line out I'll just pull it myself...,” I told the emergency room nurse. At that time, there was talk of the picc line possibly being infected. We (as in me, my mom and the team) really didn't know yet, but were grappling with a few different ideas as to what was wrong with me. However, having just come out of the hospital three days ago as an inpatient for my biggest infection thus far, it wasn't too hard to presume I was still healing.

Ultimately, that's all it was. My body was still incredibly dehydrated, and my blood pressure low. Eating was almost nonexistent as the nausea was too intense. The infected area still held a great deal of hurt. I was also still grappling with a clot that extended from the back of my ankle to my toes (and still am, unfortunately).

At that point in time, I would be lying if I said I wasn't suicidal because I absolutely was. “Do you struggle with depression, by any chance,” the ER nurse asked me. My holding room sheets and pillow were soaked from my relentless crying, and it seemed as though the tears massaging my face were limitless. Everything felt so incredibly deranged and hopeless, and the future seemed bleak at best.

It's not the first time I have felt like that; far from it, in fact. However, being sick just exasperates those feelings for me, so I have found. I'd be lying if I told you that each and every day wasn't some kind of an emotional struggle at present, although I do my best to hide it around many. It is, though, but I am still here and ultimately that's what counts. And I am still receiving help, even though that means continuously letting my guard down simultaneously to people, from those in which I know very well to those who are complete strangers. I know I am far from the only one who has gone through such a struggle; the reality is that it sucks, plain and simple. But if I had to give anyone advice, (who is in a similar situation) it would be to open up to the right people around you about how miserable you are feeling. Depression wants to isolate you from people, to have you keep your feelings internalized which only gives the illness more ammunition to hurt you. Speak up and seek help if needed and gain back the upper hand! Sometimes, I look up at the sky and clouds and realize that there is something out there much bigger than I, and that there are things happening to me for reasons in which I do not yet know, for reasons in which I am not yet meant to know. Keep up the fight, and in the end I think you'll see we will all, indeed, be alright. - A